Deliriums, Desires, Memories & Ghosts (Dreams Make No Promises)

... That is the title of my YR 12, Visual Arts BOW.

The one which I submitted yesterday, all complete and finished, and with a wave of relief, but also with a sense of loss.

I've realised over the past two years that I am like that. If I work on a piece for so long, I get really extraordinarily attached, and when it comes time to sumbitting it, or giving it away, I feel very isolated and like part of me has been taken away. It actually is like that, I guess. After all, an artists work is just a side of themselves expressed in a form of media.

Speaking more precisely about the work, I did manage to borrow my sister's camera and take it to school to get some shots of the painting. This is a picture of the overall work:

Then I took some 'detail' shots of specific parts of the painting. This is a close up of the left side.

This is a close up of the upper right.

... and this is a close up of the lower right.

There are actually a lot of little details which can't really be seen in the photos, but you know, I can only do so much with a blurry camera lens and a 15 minute lunch break.

I also took a photo of the front cover of the story book (Deliriums, Desires, Memories & Ghosts/DDMG) but I didn't have time to scan in all of the book, let alone take photos of each page. (This fact kind of upsets me, because it means you wont be able to read the story which goes with the painting, until I get the book back, which will, I assume, take forever). Here is the photo of the front cover.

In other happenings, I finally bought the other half of my dress for my formal at the end of this year. I know I don't usually talk about this kind of girl stuff here, but I am because I was mucking around with the blurry camera, and took a self timer shot of myself wearing the corset. I liked it, and others seem to like it too, so I am being a self promotional blogger, and putting it in here.

I also like this photo, because it is recent and I look like me, as opposed to my other favourite photo featuring the 'pink haired boy-girl' me, and cat, Vespadee.

Lately I have really been digging all these 90's type tunes. You know the ones. They have that teen angst dirty guitars type feel. (I know people will assume I'm talking Nirvana here, but I'm actually not... I don't really know many of their songs, but I'm not really "wow'd" by the ones I do.) I was looking through all of my albums the other day to find something for the stereo, which I use when I'm in my bedroom, to paint or draw or think things over. It is actually a very important decision for me because a lot of the time I can't be bothered changing the stereo/cd player often. What I'm getting to is that I hadn't listened to Placebo's self titled Placebo for a long long long time, which I'm putting down to having been listening to their more... lowkey (i think?) softer sounding stuff.

I really really like it. I mean, I remember why I liked them so much in the first place again. It's made me want to see them even more.

Peace&Love

Bee

Nyeh Nyeh Nyeh

Bonjour tout le monde! Bee ici! J'ai mon examen de Francais au jour'dhui!

And I'm not keeping that up for the rest of the entry.
I had my second last exam for Trials today, with my Visual Arts exam being the final on Thursday. I didn't study for it, and you know that kind of makes me a bad kid, but I actually think I went OK. At least I wrote a letter/message/email thing this time. And yay, because I wasn't ill this time around either. That's very surprising because usually I am always sick with some disgusting virusy cold whenever I have exams.

This isn't going to be a very long entry today, I don't think, because not very much has happened since the last one.

Except, I noticed that my hair is very very much longer than I had thought. I didn't put it up today. Usually I wash it in the morning, and put it up in bobby pins, so it's really short and stuff, but I didn't today, and it's really long at the back. Not interesting for most, but it is for me. I NEVER have hair this long (well, since the first time I got it cut), because it always ends up irking me, and I go "ARRRGH" and get it cut so I look like a twelve year old boy. I think I'll leave it for now. Even though it's wrong and I totally don't feel like me now.

Tomorrow I have a day off, with no exams, and I think I might draw some stuff. Peter, mostly. I- I bought anew sketch-book, seeing as my green book, Bruno (nothing to do with the film. it was a bad co-incidence) is all filled up now. My new book is named Luci, after my devil-boy, Lucifer Stan. It's purple and all blank and awkward, how sketchbooks always are after being filled up with drawings and stuff.

Anyway, I lost my train of thought.

Peace&Love
Bee

And the secret door

Today was freaking awesome. Seriously. Who knew that a number of seemingly small events of seemingly small significance could improve a mood so much? (Well, a lot of people know that... I think)...

Anyway, I went with my sister to see Coraline today. I have been waiting for so long to see it, because I really really really wanted to see it in 3D and in the cinemas, as opposed to a number of my friends who did the bad thing and totally watched it over the net. And well, I couldn't see it straight away. I've been on exams and stuff. I still technically am on exams, but I have a long weekend before I go back to them.

Getting back to the point.
Coraline.
It was really good. Really. That could just be my total love for the character design, or my fancy for stop motion animation... But seriously, I loved it. (That, and the cat actually acted like a cat... My sister and I kept snickering when ever he was on, because he was so much like our kitties).
The only bad thing was that there were a bunch of really inconsiderate kids sitting behind us, kicking seats and talking. But, I held my tongue. After all, there were some other, very much considerate kiddies and their parents there too. If you haven't gone to see it yet, go see it. Or if you don't like going to see movies on recommendation, go see it because you like blue hair. Go see it because you like the work Henry Selick does. Go see it because your name often gets pronounced wrong. Just see it.

Next seemingly small event that made me feel good was going shopping after seeing the movie, and finding a hand-bag/shoulder-bag/doctors bag thing which I've been looking for for a long time. A very very very long time. And when I saw it, it made me happy. So I bought it. And now I very lamely am looking forward to using it. It was from buying this bag, and transfering the contents of my old bag into it, that I stumbled upon my otherwise neglected mobile phone, and realised I had a text message waiting for me. It is from this that the next event started.

I got a text from my friend which read the following:

Do you have ABC2?
The Cure live in Berlin.
DO IT NOW!

If I had grass flooring in my house, the knees of my jeans would be smeared all over with dirt and green. I don't know. I honestly hadn't listened to anything Cure for a while now. I'd sort of just subconcsiously change the songs to Dresden Dolls/AFP songs, or those of Placebo, because thats the sort of music my current work for my visual arts BOW/class kinda calls for. So when I skidded to the tele to turn it on, realised the tele I had indeed, turned on, did not have a set top box which worked properly, thusly ran -- almost fell -- down the stairs to turn the other tele on, I realised how much I actually did miss their songs. (Proof, I'm listening to my "The Cure" playlist now -- the one which I ripped all their albums to).
And I fangirled. I haven't fangirled anything for EVER.
And... I'm starting to feel normal again. My kind of normal.

(Here's the angst part of the journal now)
Since my Trial exams for the HSC, I had this weird feeling of impending something. Very dramatic, yes. Its a weird feeling to explain, because I'm not actually sure how to explain it. I felt like something was going to happen, but I had no idea what, and it made me feel very uneasy. I've had the feeling before, but this time I'm putting it down to a bout of stress for what my results would be after I finished the exams.

It seems to be ok now, though.



and it feels like summer.


peace&love,
bee

Soon enough

Sorry for the lack of updates.

I have an excuse. Or, a number of excuses. I have been in one of those very assessment and exam oriented time periods at school. You know the kind - they happen just before each set of holidays. I'm in the second day of my last week for the term, and then have two weeks holidays before I'm supposed to go into super serious mode, and be a proper year 12 HSC student. But here I am right now stressing that I have a major assessment task for IPT due this Friday (which I was working on, but shoved it off, to write this), and several essays to write for English, and one essay (due tomorrow!! ahhh!) for Visual Arts, which, might I add, I didn't think was due this week. I'm contemplating not going to that class tomorrow morning (hey, it's period 0, BEFORE school technically starts...)

But anyway, my IPT assessment was to create a multimedia system, and I chose to re make my schools current website, because for all of its faults, it was a fault in the first place. My site is not much better, because it's still incredibly boring, but at least my pages are consistent in layout and the links & navigation work.

I learned a bunch of new things which I can work into Dead Souls, cause uh, yeah... I'm going to re do the layout... Or at least, change the colours up a bit. I'm thinking... a more upbeat vibe. How does pastel pink and lime green feel? I really want to do the whole "Cute-goff" thing, as over done as it is.

But more so, it's sort of a tribute to a new-old character of mine. His name is Peter. I have drawn him many times, but I haven't had time/been able to upload the pictures. He might be familiar to some people though.

Uh, and I'll also upload some stuff soon, and add written character sheets, either here, dA, or DS.

I STILL HAVEN'T MANAGED TO HAVE MONEY ENOUGH OR TIME ENOUGH TO OUT AND PURCHASE BATTLE FOR THE SUN, AND IT UPSETS ME GREATLY. But on the plus side, I'm going to see Green Day in December (with my sister who is OSM), and I'm in the standing section. and I won some really neat goff boots from Ebay, which fit me like a wonder!

Toodles for now, lovelies.

X
B

Oh oh oh

Hello again everyone! I am still alive (stop sighing!)

Things have been... stressy. But not as much lately. I have finished a number of assessments and received my marks. The most noteworthy are that of English (in which I had to write a speech, and thusly, convinced myself that I had stuttered too much, and therefore 'failed') and Visual Arts (in which I really didn't have to do anything, other than give in my books for progress marking and such). Both went quite well. I was especially surprised when my English teacher told me that I got the highest mark in our class. It made me feel good about myself, seeing as earlier I had spilt black/grey paint all over my Yr 12 jersey.

I watched The Cabinet Of Doctor Caligari last week, and I have really fallen in love with Cesare, the sleepwalker. Don't worry, it's not in the whole teeny-'twilight' way, just that I've been going around on the internet calling myself the sleepwalker, and upon watching the film, finding out that Cesare is (or was) a sleepwalker too. (Just for the record, and those who are curious, I don't actually 'sleepwalk', in the normal sense. When I say it, I am generally referring to sleeping and dreaming... yeah. LAME OF ME, I KNOW.)
But, I totally dig him as a character. I think it's kind of attractive and intriguing. in a melancholy way, that he can only wake when Caligari tells him to & all that other stuff to do with... stuff... I really recommend this film, so I wont go into all of the story and that, just incase anyone wants to watch it or hasn't seen it.
I EVEN DREW FAN ART, BUT THATS NOT FOR HERE. I'm sure, I'll have it up within the next few days.

Speaking of dreams and all that, I've been having some real tripped out ones, mostly where I am me, but not really me, and I am being 'chased' (or kinda, followed?) by people and creatures and monsters. I decided to use them as a basis for the storybook part of my art major, SO TAKE THAT TRIPPY DREAMS. (But seriously, why do they villians of my dreams always try to eat me?)

But now I am tired, so I think I might go to sleep, or maybe pester my sister into watching Mirrormask (Gaiman/Mckean) because she borrowed it from her friend and showed me the other day, resulting in a reaction of mine which was somewhat like this.

Nighty Night, and Sweet Dreams!

B

Style

I've just started following some more blogs, which seem, from what I skim-read, to be quite interesting and all that.

I was hoping to be a lot more active on DeadSouls, and while I've made a few more works to go up, I haven't had time/been able to scan them in or take photos. I have a whole bunch of assessments and school is slowly draining me.

But if I can get past the next two weeks alright, then I'll be fine. It annoys me that teachers think that only their subject is important (well, i'm lucky to have two really good teachers who aren't like that. they negotiate!) and therefore put their assessments and stuff on the same day as a million other things. I have 2 exams next week - a French listening exam, and a speaking exam. I also have two essays due, and the next week I have a speech and a visual arts progress mark.

I'm kind of looking forward to giving in my work so far, because I like to read feedback. Art, right now, (and kind of always), is my favourite subject. A day without art, is really tiring and boring for me. Even if art is the first class I have, I am still always happy for the rest of the day.
Thats why I'm excited for tomorrow, as my art class is doing practical work, and we're working on our majors... and I have a double-free (two study periods) right before it & before lunch. So, if I wanted to, and if whichever teacher held the room for those two periods would let me, I could really just work on painting my work for that whole time. It'd be glorious! I just started painting my work too... I'm very happy about it, because at the end of last year was when we all started working on our HSC artworks, and mostly everyone has done some form of painting (even if it was digitally), except for me. I first had to draw and plan my whole work (on a large scale) in pencil, and then once that was done (about 2 months ago now?) I had to ink it all. That took a little less time, but if it puts it into perspective, I only just started painting on the Monday that just passed. Finally, colour!

I had art theory today, and my teacher was talking about how she is an abstract painter. She was telling us how she likes other styles, but she will always prefer abstract. And then we were all discussing the first painting (etc) that got us into our current 'style', except I wasn't talking much, just listening. And I could see that her eyes kept falling on me, like she was secretly wanting me to join in and explain my style (because, just a note... my major is kind of based on dreams, false realities... that sort of thing. I've basically drawn a mish-mash of lots of the people/things I usually draw, the ones that started out in my dreams. So there are a lot of monsters with many arms, and the spider boys, and andro-boys and andro-girls in it) and all I could say was basically that when I was younger I was very heavily into video-games and comic book stories, and it progressed from there. I loved the fantastical. And then I started 'finding' people - artists - on the internet. But they weren't the famous artists in textbooks. They were just other people, like me. We all shared our art together. We influenced each other. That was all I could say. That I've met a lot of internet-famous and not-so-internet famous people on the world wide web, who helped me (even if they don't know it) to develop what I now call my style.
It was all very deep and epic when I said all this. It felt strange, letting people know so much about me. Even if its not very much. I think that a lot of people see me as a petite blonde faery-girl who sings strange songs (of cure and boosh) and draws constantly. I'm quite sure, that they just see that much, and think me a bit strange. But thats okay. Sometimes, I would like to tell everyone my 'secrets'. But...


I have a fear that everything would fall apart...

B.

Vanity breeds Obsession

There is something that has been bothering me more and more in the past few years, and I am beginning to believe that the reason it has been increasing in it's ability to bother me is because it is becoming more of a social standard and overall habit. A habit, which I severely hope that I am not doing myself, without realising it.

It, the habit, I believe has been growing in amount due to it becoming socially accepted. Every one is doing it. Every one has it. It has always been there, but I don't believe in such an amount.

Vanity.

Vanity and this thing that is people obsessed with image, the physical projection of oneself to the masses. And not only how the self looks, what their image is, but also the judging and constant evaluations of others.
This is not supposed to be another of my "Androgyny" rants. This has very little to do with it, depending on the perspective that you take (and I hope, you will take the same as me in this blog...)

It seems to me that it's perfectly fine and normal for people to be evaluated personality-wise on what they look like on the outside. It's the case of "Oh, well he/she dresses in such and such a way, he/she must be X, Y or Z." I know so many people who seem to live by this idea, and it's beginning to sicken me. I hate it.

In my previous blogs, I have spoken about my own appearance and they way in which I present myself to the world. I opt for the more androgynous because I feel comfortable that way. I hate wearing dresses if I don't have to (unless, on the odd occassion, I want to regardless), and I hate wearing super baggy clothing. Despite past 'image crisies' I am very comfortable with myself now. I like the way I look, and I know that I have others who disagree with it. I get comments all the time, and while sometimes they do upset me, I don't let them drag me down. In realising that that sort of stuff doesn't matter (that stuff being, pleasing everyone else), I've actually become a much happier person. All this, and I personally don't care how other people dress. It's their choice, and what do I have to do with that?

But this...Vanity and hatred, I have a problem with. I know people... People who I really don't believe are comfortable with themselves, despite how they act or how confident they may seem. I get this feeling because I see how they treat others. I don't how they treat others to their faces, but rather much like, what they say when others can't hear them. Generally, it always comes back to how the target LOOKS. There are always put downs. And it pains me. I'm tired, because I lied before when I said I don't try to please everyone - In these cases, I do. I don't say anything to the offenders. And I should. And in that sense I'm just as bad.

If any of the people I am actually writing about read this, of course, they wouldn't think it applied to them. That is the nature of these people. They're perfect, in their own vanity-obscured eyes.

I don't know. In all honesty. This blog is a bit all over the place, but I thought I ought to try and get some of what my headspace was thinking down.