Hello Image

Hello every one,


I have not had any exams for a while (well, that's partially true -- my last two were today) and while I could have posted, I didn't.

I have been having some what of an 'image crisis', which is basically where I, based on the opinions and comments of passers-by and generally other people who don't know me at all, begin to self-loathe. I think though that that could be sort of an over statement. I don't hate myself, just the way in which I dress and present myself to the world.

For a long time now, I've had a very 'androgynous' image. It started officially when I first got my hair cut into a short style. I had always dressed as more of a tomboy, even as a very young child, younger than I am now. It hadn't occurred to me that when you become a teenager, or as you grow older, people expect you to grow out of that. They expect you to begin to dress more like the stereotype of your gender.

I am not saying that I don't like girly clothing, or pretty things (quite the opposite - I love pretty black lacy dresses, and jewellery and such things!), but just that I suppose I have always felt more comfortable dressing the way that I do. This, and I like the idea of androgyny. I like the idea of indetermined male and female qualities and features. Where masculinity and femininity are not to either extreme. Where they are equal. I've always been drawn to that, and I've always thought that it is beauty. This, I feel, is reflected within the things that I draw and paint.

But here it is, it seems that even in this modern context, you can't be androgynous. You can't look too much like the opposite sex, without crude rumours being spread, or hurtful, burning words being hissed. In a day and age where human kind has think that it has come so far, there are still so many narrow, small minded people. And this hurts me. It saddens me to know that there are people with the same situation as me - no matter how different that situation may seem - who feel as though they can't be themselves. And all this, because some stupid, uneducated person or peoples can make it like this.

I, in my own way, am letting them. I'm doing it by writing this blog, but I do it unintentionally. I do it to draw attention to it. I like how I dress, but I don't like when I have to feel like I can't be me. I don't like small minded ideas. And now I will not let what lies they say rule how I see myself, and my own worth.

And a note to all readers; This is essentially a summary of thoughts that I have had during the past few days, and even weeks. I never intend for my words to come across as whiney, or 'angsty', though it is sometimes seen that way. I am, as always, trying to convey my thoughts on the subject.

In other news, I am looking forward, very much, to getting back to my VA Body of Work. I miss it so!

B

Sleepwalking

It turns out that I am suffering from a throat infection. I have lost my voice, my words... when I do speak, all that sounds is a raspy horrid thing. Every time I swallow, it is like a million tiny clawed fingers ripping and gouging at my oesophagus. I went to the doctor, and now am taking a course of antibiotics to help fight the infection. This is much fun to have while I'm supposed to be studying for my exams, and being a hard worker. All I feel like doing is sleeping, because when I sleep, there are no clawed fingers, and no raspy strangled whispers. Just blackness.

One good thing that has come out of it is an idea for a new drawing and/or painting. There are also two more unrelated ideas. I really hope that I don't end up scrapping them.

Oh, also, did anyone notice the much descriptive language? I had my English exam today.

B

Updates and Infections

'Afternoon.

I was planning on making some updates here, and on Dead Souls yesterday evening. My computer crashed. Well, crashed in the sense that it deleted all of my files -- everything was gone. As if it had never been created, and never existed on this computer. So, I had to do a System Restore, and many many virus scans, and found that the pesky intruder was hiding in some fictional corner of my hard drive. I deleted them. They should not be coming back.

I did not, however, manage to update yesterday. So, I am planning on doing so today. The first thing of note, is that Dead Souls has a new title screen. The headless boy, and his balloon. This was actually done a few days ago, but I never got around to formally announcing it.

I heard the new Placebo single, Battle For The Sun, on the radio last night, and didn't know what to make of it when I first heard it. I generally base my liking for a song on whether I learn the lyrics immediately, or if I find myself a day later humming along to the tune in my head.

... I did not learn the lyrics immediately...

I did, however, find myself singing it this morning as I woke up.

I am looking forward to the new album.

B

Go, sadness.

The VA Body Of Work is 'coming along'. I really want you all to see it, but I haven't had a chance to take a picture. I drew some androboys today, and now I'm thinking that other people in my class are thinking that I am strange or perverse. The boys were wearing suspender belts and tights, one of them, headless, the other holding the headless boy around his chest from behind, and the last, very thin and elongated, holding up a large decapitated rabbit-head which has a pocketwatch eye. Sort of like he's offering it to headless boy as his new head. I was really pleased with that today. I feel like I am finally getting the hang of the dreamscape I was trying to portray.

I wish I had bought some more watercolour paints, then I could be painting with brighter, nicer colours for you.

B

On the fringe

Evening everyone,

I've noticed that I do seem to blog in the evenings/night time, so there we have it. I feel as though I must greet you who are reading properly.

Not that much important to say. Or maybe it is important.

... One week from this day, and then I will probably not post for a whole week. If that made sense at all. After this week that is about to start, or has just started - depending on which day you start your weeks - I will have my half-yearly exams. It is a frightening thought, that after these exams, all I have left of highschool is my trials, and then my real HSC. So, while I am studying for my upcoming exams, I probably wont blog or update the site as much. As tempted as I was so say that I would probably not be drawing as much, I realised that is probably false. I am a procrastinator at heart, I'm sure, and I always draw to 'get out of' doing real work.

I was also writing to make it known that I was actually doing something of use, and attempting to upload 4 pieces to the gallery. Photobucket would like to hinder me, as it does, and has, and will keep doing so. Maybe I should find a different image host? I'm not quite ready to make that leap, yet, I don't think. I will keep trying. You should keep checking, please and thank you.

As for this specific blog's title, I am planning to change my fringe once again. Then perhaps people will stop confusing me with the people I draw. Although, I suppose it's not that they're confusing me with...

So, all this.

Also, I am upset that the airing time for Dexter has changed.

Sweet dreams.
B

Paint

I really need to be less lazy, and start colouring more of my drawings.

I am lame however, and use "I ran out of black paint", as my excuse.
Part of me still thinks it is valid, and the other thinks I'm stupid.

I also am disappointed in human beings, and like Tim Pope, I want to be a Tree.

Speaking of trees, while in one of my silent moods, and listening to very atmospheric Cure music, I drew two new people. But really, they are not people. They are trees, who happen to look humanoid. Their names are Lotus and Valerian. They are companions in silence. They do not speak words.

I have drawn them both, only twice, the first of which will not be going on Dead Souls, as it is very very rough. The second of which, is unable to be scanned by me at this point in time.
I will draw them together, specially for the site.

Have a good night, or day.
x